Affairs & Infidelity
" We are walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on the one hand and thriving on diversity on the other." - Esther Perel
The pain of infidelity can shatter people.
Today, in the west, where people freely get to choose who they love and who they marry, it is estimated that between 30-70% of couples in a committed partnership or marriage, will experience infidelity.
Since marriage was created, infidelity has been practiced.
It's practiced for many reasons. Sometimes there is a breakdown in the relationship where one person starts to look for what they want and need outside of it, and sometimes, there is no breakdown at all. Sometimes people can be perfectly happy in their relationship and then unexpectedly fall in love with someone else who awakes latent desires in their soul which they can't experience with their partner. Sometimes, both realities are involved.
Infidelity though one of the most challenging hurdles a couple may experience, does not have to be a deal breaker. It often creates a wake up call in the relationship and helps people decide whether or not they want to stay tougher or break up. Yet, when one person discovers that the one they love is loving someone else, it's nothing short of devastating.
Drawing upon the work of renown sex and couples therapist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, I help couples work through infidelity, in a phase specific way .
1. The first phase is holding the crises. Once an affair has been discovered, it feels like a shock to the system. This takes time to heal and therapy focusses on the necessary repair to the one who was betrayed. I often work both individually and separately with both parties through this phase of therapy.
2. The second phase focusses on understanding the breakdown in the relationship that both people are responsible for. This in turn can help a couple decide whether or not they want to stay together.
3. The third involves helping the couple either reinvent themselves by engaging in an honest process of couples therapy or uncouple.
If this approach feels right for you, then please contact me. I am happy to help.